Question: How come Ben Mills knows so many words so good?
Answer: As a youth Mills taught himself how to read by looking at graffiti on the boxcars he’d ride to survive. This early education was followed up in adulthood by three non-consecutive trips to the library which accounted for the other seventy percent of his vocabulary.
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Question: I saw a cocktail menu with a drink called the Ben Mills. What’s in it?
Answer: A Ben Mills is a beet vodka martini that’s soaked into a four inch by two inch sponge. It’s traditionally garnished with a watermelon rind that’s been chewed clean by the bartender’s dog. To properly savour the beverage one should nod slowly at a person near a jukebox who will change the song to better suit the mood.
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Question: Did Ben Mills ever come close to getting into professional sports?
Answer: Yes, depending on your definition of close, sports, professional, and ever. He was a teenage virtuoso in Frolf. Experts projected him to one day surpass the best internationally recognized score until all hope was dashed when Mills accidentally shredded his knee cartilage while pivoting his body to throw the plastic wrapping from a cellphone charger into the garbage. The devastating injury only furthered his regret for having lost the original charger.
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Question: When Ben Mills is talking how can I tell if he’s being genuine?
Answer: That’s the tricky part, you can’t really. Mills comes from a generation of humourists who are so consumed by their own sarcasm that after a while every statement is veiled in ambiguous authenticity. He insists on his opinions being taken seriously, yet when he speaks it’s impossible to tell whether he’s being serious or not. It’s really, really frustrating.
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Question: What exactly are the origins of Ben Mills?
Answer: It’s a hotly contested argument that will most likely never be resolved. The commonly held belief is that he materialized after a curse was lifted with the unification of a broken emerald lightning bolt pendant. Although more moderate modern thinkers now believe that the pendant was less spectacular in its design; most likely made from brass and shaped like a clubhouse sandwich. However certain cold hearted skeptics insist he was formed slowly over millennium through the gradual accumulation of sediment along glacial river banks. Luckily for today’s easily confused youths, the heated debate has yet to hit our classrooms since Mills is far too irrelevant a public figure to be included into their limited curriculums.
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Question: What hit novel was based on Ben Mills’ adolescent life?
Answer: Lord of the Rings.
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Question: In what ways is Ben Mills consistently disappointing? If any.
Answer: There’s three. He says “Post-Modern Art” when he really means to say “Modern Art”, he chews gum wrong, and every Halloween he says he’s going to do something special and then he just pulls on a black leotard and goes as a cat.
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Question: Which dinosaur is it again that Ben Mills is campaigning to have renamed after him?
Answer: The Tyrannosaurus Rex. This goal is based entirely on his desire to make the movie Jurassic Park dated by its failure to address the fearsome Ben Mills by its proper name.
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Question: Why didn’t/hasn’t Ben Mills pursued a career in journalism?
Answer: Mills did at one point hold the position of sports editor at his college paper, but his journalism career was cut short by a massacre known as “Vanilla Sunday”. It will always be remembered by those who’s desserts were lost forever without financial compensation. The paper dubbed the incident “Vanilla-Gate” and Mills’ following editorial lambasted his own publication for trudging out the clichéd gate-suffix. This public betrayal would count as a final strike against a baseball inspired code of conduct enforced by the board of directors.*
*The other two strikes were for threatening a janitor in the elevator and for submitting all of his articles on zig-zag rolling papers.
